Oh Darling, we are fucked up'
by YouKilledme
Summary: 'Do you know... I was perfectly happy killing myself, but then you asked me to try. And for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that that person was worth trying for.' An Avan Jogia & Samantha Boscarino's story.
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't speak english, don't be rude**_

**Samantha PV**

I can't complain, my life's good. I have everything I need or that's what I think. But I don't know, sometimes is too good, too normal... too boring. Is annoying.

I don't really like people, they are annoying. Are too good, too normal, too boring. They are stupid, they just live because well... they can. I want to do something special with my life, i have hope even if sometimes don't looks like that, i have a big problem with the motivation.

Today is friday. Is Halston's party (my friend... is her birthday). I don't really want to go. Im tired, but she is my best friend so whatever. I was laying in my sofa. My life's so wild.

Noah: Seriously, Sam? Seriously?

Sam: What?

Noah: We are really late.

Sam: So?

Noah: Sam, I'm so exciting for the party, cmon, What's wrong?

Me: Nothing, Crawford. Don't be paranoid, I'm just tired, but it's fine. Is not like the end of the world, the next year she will have another birthday, you know that, right?

Noah: Yeah, yeah, yeah, how funny you are, Boscarino. C'mon, lets go.

Me: whatever...

Noah: You are a stupid.

(I smiled)

Noah: Yeah, yeah… we are really late.

Sam: Okay, okay...

Noah was right, we were really late, everybody was already there, I saw Lulu, Max, Chris & Cymphonique & Halston's friends&family (Halston wasn't there yet), we were talking for awhile, but I was so tired & not in the mood to party or to talk or to breath.

I was looking somewhere to sit down... Finally I saw a chair, so nice. Next to was a guy, oh wait, i think I saw him before... Yes, i did, obviously. I can't forget him, I love the way he dress. Is the victorious guy, but what's his name? Oh yeah, Avan… Avan something. I don't remember his last name, is complicated. I saw him in the studio like 2 times, he is friend with Halston and Max, and next to him Matt Bennett, a victorious guy too, I don't know him but i know he is such a hilarious guy or that's why i everybody says.

*Hi, can I sit down here? Is just that…*

*Is fine* (Avan smiled and Matt was laughing... i dont know why, i was scared)

He started talking to Matt again. Avan looked mad, maybe uncomfortable? I don't know him so it's fine. I was all alone, how sad, I was bored so I was playing with my cellpone (like for 15 minutes). As i said, my life's wild. Then I decided to text Jason (Dolley), I really missed him. I don't see him since... 2 days ago? Anyways, is my friend so i can miss him how much i want.

TEXTING: ''I miss yo'' I was about to sent the message when…

-Coughs- *I don't really think 'yo' is a word* –coughs-

I was really scared, Im a nervous person. I sent the message (but i wrotte the 'u' first) and I hid my cell phone. I turned back my head slowly & I saw Avan with a big smile

*I... I use to forget the 'U'... is a constantly problem…* (I smiled nervously. I noticed Matt wasn't next to Avan anymore and how stupid I was)

* Yeah? That happen to me sometimes too… Oh, my name is Avan, by the way* (He smiled)

*Ha… Oh, my name is Sam*

*Sam?*

*Yeah... Sam, you know, short for Samantha*

*NO, seriously?!* (He said it sarcastly)

*Sarcastic much?*

*You provoked me (I laughed) I saw you in 'how to rock' you are really adorable*

*Oh well, thanks you, I saw you in 'Victorious'. I really like your character, is nice…* I never saw Victorious in my life.

*Yeah?*

(I laughed) *Yeah, such a nice character*

[Halston came to us; I gave her a big hug (I don't like hugs, but was necessary this time) so Avan did. I started talking with her like for 10 minutes, when I turned back, Avan wasn't there anymore, well, whatever, i guess...

Was a great party, good music, friends, GOOD FOOD. I danced, so much... with Noah almost all the time. was a really good party, 5 hours later, I was in a better mood but I was so tired anyways… about to die. And I told Noah if we can go already, he said yes, he was tired too so I hugged Halston again (oh hugs), I told her I was so tired and I needed to go, she said is fine, anyways tomorrow we needed to work. I said 'bye' to everybody & I was ready to leave.

I saw Avan (at the door) he was about to go too… he was so distracted. He looked kinda cute, anyways, I decided to scare him, I was so close when…

*Don't you ever dare, Sam*

*I just wanted to hug you...*

(He laughed) *Yeah?*

*You ruined it…*

*I'm sorry, i feel so awful* He said it sarcastly.

I laughed *Well, Sir. Is late and I need to go because you ruined my mood. Was a pleasure meet you*

*sarcasm?*

*You provoked me*

*Hey...*

*No, Avan, I was being 100% honest, i promise*

*Okay, okay, that's better, the same here* (he smiled)

*I'm glad, Well…*

*Hey! We should go to drink something, maybe coffee or water but I like coffee, you know?* (he said it, completely faster with a weird canadian english accent)

(I laughed so much, he looked completely confused) *I would love it!* (Noah called me) *Well… Sir. I really need to go, i love your lovely accent, bye, take care, gods bless, colors, sparks&love with all my heart*

*Nice. Yeah… Thanks, sure... that. The same? I guess* (He smiled)


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I woke up like a mess…I was so sleepy. I wanted sleep yet, but I needed go to work. I was looking for my phone & I saw 1 message, was Jason 'I miss you too… so bad. Let's hang out today? - Jason'' I was really happy. I kinda like Jason. I don't know... I said yes as soon as possible.

I went to work, we were all tired, was funny. In the free times; Max was sleeping on the floor… just like Noah and Chris, Lulu, Cymponique & Halston were sleeping in a really little sofa... hilarious. I was sleeping on a desk... what a shame. Then of 6 hours, we finished filming, everybody wanted go to sleep, I just wanted go to see Jason. I was so exciting.

I was ready to leave the studio (I was the last one because I was looking for a dress) and then I saw someone at the door… was Avan… weird.

*Hello there, stranger* (I smiled)

*Hi... a question, how old are you?*

*Oh Avan, Is good to see you too!*

*Okay, I'm sorry… Hi, Sam. Is good to see you again. How are you? good? Me? the same here, thanks. Happy?*

(I laughed) *16*

*huh?*

*I'm 16… you?*

*Oh... You are a kid. 19*

*Oh c'mon! I'm not that young. I mean, comparing with you... 3 years of difference is nothing*

*Sure, Sam. You are kid, a beautiful one... Anyways, are you ready?*

*Ready? What?*

*We'll go to drink coffee, silly head*

*Oh… yeah, sure, i know* (I was so confused, so I said yes)

We were to 'starbucks'. I was worried because I needed be at home early, I needed to be ready to see Jason, but I was already there with Avan so whatever.

*A cappuccino, is fine?*

*is perfect*

*You don't want anything else?*

*No, no, seriously* (He bought 2 cappuccinos. He even asked me & he paid it... so predectible)

*Let's sit down… So tell me, are you sure you are 16?* (He smiled)

(I smiled confused) *I guess… Why? I look older?*

*No… no. You look like a sixteen girl; I was just kind of hoping you were older.*

*Hoping?*

*Yeah, it doesn't matter* (He smiled)

[ A Leif Vollebekk's song starts playing ]

*You couldn't lie to me in Paris*

*Huh?* (He asked while he was drinking his cappuccino)

*The song… Is Leif Vollebekk, you couldn't lie to me in Paris*

*Do you like them, Sam?*

*A lot*

*They are great. I like 'Don't go to Klaksvik` *

*Seriously? Wow, you are the first one…*

*For real? Why? They are great!*

*I know, is just that nobody knows them… sadly.*

*Oh yeah, I understand. Everybody listen to crappy music those days.*

*Annoying, right?* (I said while is was drinking my cappuccino)

(We started talking about everything, about music, good music, bad music, old music, new music; he told me his opinion about certain bands, so I did. We talked about good movies and bad movies, about politics. He told me about his campaign SBNN, and about how mad he was about how fucked up the society is. I was fascinating. I always wanted to talk with someone like that. But let's face it, nobody cares talk about how fucked up the society is. He told me he wants to change things, he wants to do something else with his life, make a difference... He is wonderful)

2 hours & 40 minutes later...

*Do you care if…* (He lights up a cigarette)

*No, is fine if you want to kill yourself*

*Rude*

*I was just being honest*

*It relax me…* (He said while he was smoking)

*What about drugs?* (I looked at him & smiled)

(He stared at me for a few seconds, then he smiled) Not since I'm 16. what about you?

*Not yet, but I'll soon*

*So… you don't like smoking but you want to prove drugs, I'm right?*

*Sounds stupid... I know. I'm just curious*

*Don't do it. You will die*

*I don't will die. I'm not that stupid*

*Yes, you will. You can get intoxicated or you can become addicted*

(I laughed) *I'll anyways, you know?*

*Fine. but take care, alright?*

*Alright. (I looked at my watch, I was late. I needed to see Jason in 10 minutes)

Oh God, Is so late, I need to go.*

*That's right... Almost 3 hours, 2 cappuccinos, nice.*

(I laughed)

*You want me to…*

*I need go to another place and...*

*Wait, alone?*

*Yeah. It's fine*

*Are you sure?*

*100%* (I smiled)

*Well, so was nice to see you again, kid* (He smiled).

*You are obsessed with my age…*

*kind of, It disturbed me...*

*And you fascinate me (I laughed) ... Was nice to see you too.

(I have to admit, Avan is wonderful, seriously, is completely smart, deep & funny... I was late to see Jason, but not complaining, talk with Avan was fantasticl. Anyways, I went to Jason's house)

*Late, Boscarino*

*I know, I know. I'm embarrassed…*

(He laughed) *its okay, come in.* (He hugged me)

*I hate hugs*

*I know* (He hugged me harder)

*I hate you, stop it*

*I love you too, Sam, don't worry* (he stopped)

*Yeah, sure… How have you been?*

*Fine, working… You know*

*No I don't… You never call me*

*And why you don't call me?*

*I have my reasons*

*Yeah, sure. Excuses…*

*No. LIES. I'm hungry, Jason. You have food? A cake, maybe?*

(He laughed) *you are adorable*

*Shut up*

*Make me*

*Do you love me, right? So you have to feed me. That's how live is those days*

*Actually is true (He held my hand) Let's go to the kitchen*

[One of the things that I love the most about Jason, Is that he is adorable, not matter what. I can be stupid or rude. He was the only person in the world with who I acted like that, probably because... I don't know, i'm like that... or because I like him... a little bit]

*Oh see, I have a cake*

*Yay!*

*But is just a pice so is for me…*

*Are you serious?*

*Yeap*

*Okay, nice. Bye*

*Are you kidding me?*

*No. Goodbye* (I opened the door)

*Stay, please?*

*No*

*For me?*

*Nah*

*Alright. I'll give you the last piece of cake... this is important*

*I don't want it anymore*

*I don't care* (He closed the door)

*You can't close the door like that. That's kidnapping. I'll scream. But you know? I'll go right now, because you are so mean and I hate you, you are a terrible person, I'm really hungry and I'm really ashamed of…* ( He came closer to me and... he kissed me)

*Shut up, please*

(I was chocked up... was weird. I was spechless for few seconds)

*Why?*

*Why what?*

*Why you kissed me?*

*Because you looked adorable and I wanted you to shut up*

*So what?*

*So nothing*

*Whatever*

*Are you mad?*

*Nope*

*You enjoyed it, anyways*

*Shut up… Is not true*

*You never stopped me, Boscarino. You are just lying...*

*I'm not lying, I don' have why. You are a stupid; I have so much horrible adjectives for you right now. You can't come like that and kiss me. That's seriously not right, you are inadequate and…*

(He kissed me… again)

*STOP DOING THAT!*

*No thanks*

*Goodbye*

*Sam… I'm sorry*

*No, goodbye* (I opened the door).

*Why I can't kiss you? Is that bad?*

*Because that's not right*

*Since when you are a right person?*

*That's not the point. Just stop playing*

*And what if I'm not playing? What if I wanted to kiss you so bad? What if I don't know…? I really like you?*

*Shut up…*

*No, I don't want to*

*So stop lying*

*I'm not lying*

*So now you will tell me you like me? Bleh.*

*That's what I did, silly. (He closed the door). I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry. I know. I'm a stupid and you can insult me, I don't care. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me and…

(I kissed him, i don't know why...)

*Shut up, you annoy me*

(He smiled) *so?*

*So what?*

*You want to be… you know…*

*No. I'm pretty sure I don't know*

*My girlfriend?*

*Are you serious?*

*So much*

*I don't know… you are so blondie*

*And you so brunette...*

*I don't like 'the love thing', just hurt you*

*But i will take care of you*

*And if I hurt you?*

*Will be fine*

(I was so nervous... I felt like i was about to explode) *I would love it*

*What?*

*Be your girlfriend, idiot* (I smiled)

*Seriously?*

*Seriously.*

*Nice. I'll cook you a big cake now!* (He looked so happy, was funny)

*Yay!*

(In that moment, Avan popped up in my mind… I don't know why, was weird but I felt guilty. Why? There's nothing between us… Anyways he thinks I'm a kid, so whatever. I'm fine with Jason)

*What's wrong?*

*Huh?*

*Are you okay? You look distracted…*

*Yes, I'm fine, is just that is late and I need go to my home*

*That's true. Your mom should be worried*

*Yeah. She should be calling at the police right now* (He laughed) *I'm not kidding*

*Okay, I'm sorry. Let's go* (He smiled)

(We went to my house; my mom was calm, because I was with Jason. My mom loves Jason. She trusts on him with her life. They started talking about something…but I was tired so I told them I needed go to sleep because I was dying. I kissed Jason and my mom looked amazed, I just saw her I said 'Don't ask' & I kissed her in her cheek. Probably they started talking again, but I don't care, I was so sleepy & kinda happy, Jason is nice, so was a good day).


	3. Chapter 3

- 3:45 a.m. and my phone was ringing (damn) – 5 messages.

1st message:

Hey there, Samantha:

What's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away…But girl, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do. Time Squares can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true.

2nd message:

Hey there, Samantha:

Don't you worry about the distance, I'm right here if you get lonely, give this song another listen, close your eyes, listen to my voice, it's my disguise. I'm by your side (well... no)

3rd message:

Hey there, Samantha:

I know times are getting hard, but just believe me, girl; someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar, we'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we would. My word's good.

4th message:

Hey there, Samantha:

I've got so much left to say. If every simple song I wrote to you, would take your breath away, I'd write it all, even more in love with me you'd fall, we have it all.

Oh, it's what you do to me?

5th message:

Hey there, Samantha:

I'm sorry, I can't sleep. It's late and probably you should be angry, I'm listening to 'Plain white T's' so actually this explain everything. Long time I don't see you and I miss you. Are you alive, right?

- Avan

(I laughed so much, because i was so angry, but then i noticed is kind of adorable. So I replied to him)

*Hello there, Avan:

I should be so angry, because I was sleeping, but actually I have a big smile in my face right now. ( I don't know how to rhyme, sorry)

Man, It's late, how you dare to text me now? What's wrong? Are you drunk? maye high? But thanks you, this made my night. And yeah, I'm alive, darling. Don't worry. I miss you too, I feel like I don't see you in hours. I'm dying without your presence….

~ Good song, by the way, sadly my name is not Delilah*

(2 minutes later, he replied to me)

I'm not good with rhymes either, don't worry.

How? I just did. What's wrong? I'm alive. Drunk? not much. High? Always. And no problem. I'm so glad you are alive. I know, the hours without you are killing me inside…

~ I know, but this one is a new version*

[We texted for hours. Probably 13 hours, we texted lyrics… and stupid things. Avan is really funny, he is like an old man and he talks like old men, completely hilarious. He is really interesting and sweet, there's something special about him & i can't stop talking with him... is like addictive. I'm not trying to be egocentric but he kind of reminds me of me, we have the same taste in music and movies, kind of creepy to be honest. We are really alike. I'm an oldwomen.

Both were tired, because since he woke me up, I could not sleep again, So I was just laying in my bed waiting for him to reply me, he told me 'Please reply me faster. If I don't reply you faster is because probably I feel sleep, so just send me another message so I can wake up' & i told him the same.

But then I feel sleep with my phone in the hand… He didn't wake me up. I woke up by myself but is fine, probably he feel sleep too. Poor him. Just imagine... Avan with his iphone in the hand waiting for my reply is just adorable. I looked at my watch (9 p.m.) really really late, I spent my day texting with Avan, i don't regret anything. He is cool comparing with another humans.

– My phone started ringing – I ran... I was so exciting because I thought it was Avan... then i stopped running because i noticed is not right be this exciting. Anyways. Was Jason… he was calling me.

Jason: Hi there, beautiful.

Sam: Oh, is you...

Jason: Wow, thanks. I'm glad to talk to you too.

Sam: I'm just kidding... (not much)

Jason: Are you waiting for another call?

Sam: No, I told you, i was just kidding.

Jason: Fine... I'm sorry for don't call you today, I was busy…

Sam: I understand.

Jason: Are you mad?

Sam: Should I be?

Jason: No, is just that… I don't know.

Sam: Everything is perfect, I swear.

Jason: Seriously?

Sam: Seriously, don't be paranoid…

[We talked like for 2 hours... What i like about our relationship is that i don't have to be sappy or romantic, because he knows i'm not like that & he understands. Sometimes i forget i'm dating with him, because we have been friends since 2007, so almost 5 years & i treat him like a friend. He is always sweet with me so there's no difference. I love him so much & not since we are dating, since i have memory. He is such a good friend, he is always with me even if im stupid or irritating. I'm really annoying so i guess that should be a hard work. But i'm really worried... Actually this is my first real relationship because i don't like ralationships. Honestly date with someone looks stupid for me. Probably because i never fell in love. I like to feel like i'm free & do whatever i want to, when you are dating with someone is different, because you are constantly worried to don't hurt the person you love, you should act adequately. And i'm not like that. I'll hurt him, i know i will. I'm not 'the flirty type' because that's gross but i'm not really 'calm' either so i don't know... I'll try & let's see, everything looks perfect... until now.

He was really sleepy, so he was about to go to sleep. He told me will came to my house tomorrow, so it's fine.

I wasn't sleepy but whatever, tomorrow i needed to wake up early to see Jason]


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up really early... I checked my phone to se if Avan texted me, i don't know why. Anyways, he don't. Silly me. Probably because he is busy or he dislikes me... I wanted to text him but i don't wanted to look 'desesperate'. Whatever, I nedd to be ready to see Jason, well i can dres con the hell want to, Jason is one of my closest friends so he is used to se me like a mess, I LOVE THAT. He knows how i am & he will love me anyways.

*text*

-open the door. Jason-

(I opend the door)

*There's a doorbell, you know...*

*Too lazy, i'm sorry*

*what? it even make sense, you are a stupid*

*So are you (he kissed me... he kiss really good i have to admit* you don't will stop me now? (he smiled)

(I kissed him) *Don't bother me. What you wana do?*

*I don't know. Are you alone?*

*Yeah, why?*

*Just asking (He turned on the radio... what maked you beautiful - 1D). Baby you light up my world like nobody else...*

*Serously, Jason?seriouly?*

*Hey! it's a god song*

(We were listening music for hours and singing and dancing, He laughed at me constantly... Probably because i'm really dramatic dancing. I love spend time with Jason, he is so easy to talk, i enjoy that. While i was dancing, he kissed me. I felt, i don't know, anxious? I'm really anxious. He told me i'm dramatic... well, that's true, but it's fine, when i'm anxious nobody can stop me. We were tired so we were laying in the sofa)

Jason PV

*I'm hungry* (I looked at her)

*I don't know... go to the kitchen, there's food, you know?*

*It's okay, i feel okay here*

*I'm hungry, I'll die if I don't eat something* (We looked at each other)

*You have big eyes*

*Feed me, please*

*Okay, okay...*

*THANKS! Don't die*

*Don't worry* (I kissed her in the cheek)

- I went to the kitchen. Oh, nice. Cake. PERFECT. When i came back, Sam was sleeping, she looked so beautiful. I stared at her like for 10 minutes... Everything in her is just perfect. I wanted to kiss her so bad but i don't wanted her to wake up, she looked tired, well, I guess i have to go. I left the cake in a desk next to the sofa where she was sleeping. I stared at her again, thinking about how the hell i did to have such a perfect thing like her. She is everything i wanted since i have memory, i love her and she makes me happy, even if she don't notice it. Damn... whatever, if i kiss her slowly for a second she don't will wake up, so I did...

*Stay, please* (She said it whispering)

*Sh... It's fine. Just still sleeping, baby, it's fine* (She feel sleep)

Sam PV

- When i woke up, Jason wasn't there anymore. The last thing i remember is that he kissed me & it was really good.

I ckecked my phone. 1 message.

*Sweet dreams, beautiful - Jason*

(I smiled. I like Jason. He is sweet & we are trying and everything is pretty nice until now, but i don't know, i feel weird having a relationship, I love Jason and i don't want to hurt him, because i think he really likes me, I even know why, he is so sweet and well... i am Sam. He is my first real relationship and he knows it. The reason why i never had a real relationship is because i don't like it apart... who will fan in love with me? probably a person with big issues, I don't know what Jason saw on me. I can't take a relationship seriously. I just i can't. I screw up everything, but i can't screw up everything with Jason. I love him.)


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up really early, I slept so much those days so i wasnt sleepy anymore. I have a free day. so Im really happy. I want to see Jason so ill call him but first i have to eat something. I was alone again, my dad is in NY ¡ my mom working. Oh cool. I turned on the radio, Im in a good mood.

I checked my phone. 1 message, probably is Jason or i hope so.

*Hi, I miss you. Avan*

Oh Avan... right. Now thinking... is an adorable message because i dont see him in 2 days?

*Sweet. I miss you too*

*Are you free today?*

Well i planned to see Jason... i planned.

*Yeah, you?*

*Perfect. Wanna hang out?*

*Sure*

*Okay. In 1 hour? at the mall?*

*Perfect*

Well, i can see Jason later, is really early yet, theres nothing wrong with that.

1 hour... Is not too much and i look like a mess. Damn. I took a shower. I was really worried about how to dress. Avan dress really well. Oh whatever, my new dress, the black shoes. Nice.

I went to the mall as soon as possible, Avan was there already

When he looked at me, he checked his watch.

*4 minutes late, shame on you*

I checked my wrist... i dont have a watch *I dont care*

He laughed. We were walking around the mall, just looking, we werent talking for some minutes.

*So... congratulations for your new... relationship?* He smiled.

*Huh? What?*

*You are dating with that guy Jason, right?*

*Do you know him? How do you know?*

*Yes... no. I dont know, maybe i asked*

*So you were asking if im single?*

*I...Im. No... what... what? no... It doesnt matter. Congratulations*

*Okay, thanks i guess*

*Your welcome*

*Whatever... how have you been?*

*I have been better, you?*

*Why? what happen?*

*Nothing is going on like i planned...*

*And what you planned?*

*I even know...*

*Well, dont worry, you dont know what can happen tomorrow, life is like a novel, isnt it?*

*No, this time is different, is not that easy. Anything will happen, Sam, anything* (He looked dissapointed)

*You want to talk about that?*

*Im fine, anyways, what about you? how are you?*

*Confused*

*Why*

*Lifes confused*

*Agree*

I stared at a car for few seconds. An old and beautiful one, i love old cars and i was in love with that one.

*Is mine*

*What? are you kidding?*

*Beautiful, right?* He opened the passenger door for me, He closed it and walked aways, opened his door and got inside and closed the door. He put the keys in the ignition.

*So... we will go to?* I saw the rearview. He just smiled.

He started driving then he turned on the radio... We looked at each other. We smiled. Was a song we recognised (Doorbell The white stripes). We were singing.

Then i laughed so much.

*You have a beautiful voice, Jogia*

*Thanks but not true at all*

*Im serious. Is beautiful* I was being honest.

* And you are very stubborn, dont you?*

*Just when i want something*

I looked at the window. I was confused. Where i am? I dont know. He paked his car. He opened my door and i get out of the car so he did.

*Im lost*

*No, you are Sam*

*Haha... so funny*

*Sarcastic much? Im sorry, im not really cool. (I laughed) Dont worry, you are with me*

*That should calm me down?*

*No... (He looked serious, like he was about to hurt me. But i dont know, i feel like save when im with him... I just smiled) Okay... guess wich one is my house?*

*Okay. You parked your car here so is betweeen these 3 houses and im pretty sure you live alone, and the one of the left is so big. The one of the right is so modern for you. Is the one of he middle, im right?*

*Im amazed... yes, it is*

*Im really smart, sometimes I amaze myself*

He laughed. We walked to his house. Really beautiful i have to say, he opened the door... wow.

Is blue dark. Photographies and drawings around his wall. I looked a piano and a guitar and a gramophone, next to it a big discs collection. A sofa, a tv, next to it a big DVDs collection. Everything so clean, in order. And so old.

*So what do you think?*

I looked at him, like are you serious? *Im in love. I think i can stay here forever*

*Thats not a bad idea* He smiled

Over his piano i saw a bunch of photos.A bunch of photos of Canada,

*Is a beautiful place*

*Have you been there?*

*Like for 2 days, sadly*

Checking the photos i saw photos of his cast, his family. He is a good photographer and then i noticed one... I was there. I think i was dancing, i looked stupid so i just laughed.

*I took it long time ago* He whispered. I looked at him.

*I look really stupid*

*You look adorable, thats why i took it* I think i was blushing so i just smiled.

*Wanna eat? I can cook something?*

*What do you know cook?*

*Um... pasta, pasta... yeah. Pasta*

I laughed. *Im not hungry now but I dont know how to cook it so you should teach me one of those days*

*For sure* He smiled.

I swear, theres something special about Avan. He is so calm and he calms me down, his presence calms me down. He makes me feel good. I dont know him really well, but i know him enough to know he is different.

*Can I ask you something?* I smiled

*Sure*

*What do you think about me?*

*Why?*

*Because you are being so nice, I dont know if i should be glad or worried*

He laughed *Im like this, Sam*

*I see... You invite strangers to your house constantly*

*You are not an stranger for me. You are Sam, you are 16, you are a girl. See?

And i invited you because you look pretty nice*

*Maybe im a killer*

*Maybe i am? You were the one who accepted come with me. If Im an stranger for you, why you accepted?*

I stared at him for few seconds. I smiled. *Because you are fascinating* he looked at me.

*And you fascinate me* I stopped looking at him because i think i was blushing.

*So... why you live alone?*

*My parents live in Canada, I live alone, apart of the fact Im old*

*You are not old, you are just 19*

*I feel old*

*I feel old too. I feel tired, you know? all the time. Like if i lived too much, like if i lived enough. Somethimes i think im getting crazy or paranoid.*

*We are all different. Maybe life is not too much for you but you should enjoy every second anyways. Sam... maybe you are already crazy or paranoid but fuck it. I feel like that always, but just... fuck it*

*Whats wrong with us?*

*Nothing, we are just disturbed souls probably* I laughed.

*I like you, Avan. I... I mean... i like the way you are*

He smiled *I like you too*

*So... Lets watch a movie?*

*Do you like Top Hat?*

*I love it*

*Lets watch it?*

*Perfect*

I really love that movie. He made pop corn. We were in his sofa. I was laughing because he was dancing... I was dancing too. i knew the chorography as i said, i love that movie. Avan dance really good actually. I think we were dancing and singing all the movie .

The movie finished.

*I really love this movie*

*So i do, Avan*

*You are a good dancer* He laughed

*But not as good as you, obviously*

*Oh Samantha...* He rolled his eyes.

*Oh Avan... (He laughed) Do you have girlfriend?*

*Why?*

*Just asking*

*No, I dont*

*What about Miley?* I smiled.

*How much do you know about that?*

*Not much*

*I liked her... a lot i have to say. You know, is Miley Cyrus and well... she is Miley Cyrus. We were dating for few weeks. Then I noticed she was... you know, just playing and she was just being fake. We broke up and thats all*

*She is stupid* He laughed.

*What about Jason?*

*We have been dating for few days so i cant say much, but he is my best friend and i love him and i cant fuck up this*

He didnt say anything for few some seconds, He just looked at me. Avan is so beautiful.

*Sam, I think we shouldnt hang out anymore*

*What do you mean?*

*I cant be your friend, is complicated*

*Explain me*

*See... theres person whith who you can be friend and persons with who you cant. And i cant be your friend*

*So lets date...*

*What are you talking about? You are dating with Jason anyways*

*Whats the point? Single or not anyways you dont want me in "that way"... and now you even want me like a friend. I dont know what you want me to be*

*I dont know either, Sam, I dont. Im sorry* I was about to go.

*Can I ask you something?*

*Tell me*

*If i were single and i dont know... older, you would... i dont know, like me, i mean... like me in "that way"?

*Probably I would ask you to be my girlfriend already...*

*... Can we be friends? See, i dont have many friends because i dislike everyboy and i really really like you and i deny myself to be far of you. And now i know where you live and ill visit you everyday even if you dont want to and im really annoying (he laughed) Im serious... Please?*

*Sam, we just know each other since i dont know... 1 week? Cmon anything will change*

*I dont care, i cant be far of you, you make me feel good and thats pretty weird and if you dont wanna be my friend ill visit you everyday of your life and ill stalk you and as i said im annoying*

*Okay, lets be friend* I laughed

*I wanna hug you but i dont like hugs so whatever*

*So you will hate me, i love hugs*

*I can stand it. Well... I have to go*

*Why you have to go*

*I need to call Jason...*

*And you needed to tell me that, right?*

*Yeah... We are friends*

*Is that bad if im terribly jealous of Jason?* I was really blushing so i looked at the floor.

*No... you can feel whatever you want*

*Thats right*

*So... you are jealous?*

*Just a little bit... a lot, yeah, a lot* He laughed nervously so i did.

*As i said... i call you later*

*No... ill call you tomorrow, okay?*

*Promise?*

*Promise*

I went to my house, i was laying in my bed, i needed to call Jason but i wasnt in the mood. Everything i had in my mind was Avan... He is just different and i think i dont want him like friend... what im saying? I dont will fuck up the things with Jason. I called him.

*Hi, beautiful*

*I want to see you, please*

*Are you okay?*

*Yeah... is that weird if i want to see you?*

*Its okay, im there in 30 minutes*

30 minutes later he knocked the door... i dont know whats his problem with the doorbell. I opened the door and i kissed him. I wanted to feel something.

I hugged me *I love you* I whispered.

*Are sure you okay?*

*Shut up, of course i am*

He kissed me in the neck, i giggled. *okay*

I spent all the afternoon with Jason. Listening music and talking. I feel good but i was confused. Eveytime Avan popped up in my mind, I kissed Jason... I kissed Jason so much that day.


	6. Chapter 6

I woke up early, i went to work. Actually thats good. I want to forget everything. I love my cast, they are just wonderful. Mys best friends there, are Noah and Halston, i have to admit.

When we finished, I was with Noah walking, we will go to his house. I use to be really friendly with him. People think i like him but the true is that he is like my brother. He is love with another girl, and seriously, he is really in love.

Noah hugged me and kissed me in the neck, i laughed. I noticed Avan was there... i think he was distracted. I wanted to say 'hi' but he even looked at me and walked away.

*Avan! (He was really distracted... I think he was ignoring me) Avan...*

*Oh, hi*

*I was waiting for your call* I smiled.

*Sorry, i forgot it* He said while he was walking.

*Oh, i see, its okay*

*Sure*

*Can you stop walking? whats wrong?*

He stopped walking *Nothing, Sam, nothing*

*You are like that because of Noah?*

*Dont be stupid, what are you talking about? You can do whatever you want to and kiss whoever you want, i dont really care*

*Kiss? what the...? Woah... okay, i see, you are an idiot*

*Sam... Im sorry, im just not in the mood. Im a douchebag, im sorry*

*Okay... just dont act like that with me, is annoying*

*Sam... I just, I... I dont understand you, you are so complicated to me. You confuse me, I mean, I even understand why you are dating with Jason, then you are flirting with everybody and you are so young. I know what kind of girl you are, you dont take anything seriously and im not for games*

*What the fuck, Avan?! Are you kidding me? I flirt with everybody? You dont know me even a bit. A day you are okay, and then you just not. You mess up my head. If someone is playing games is you and... what kind of girl you think i am?

*Whatever*

*Who the hell you think i am? (He just looked at me) Fuck you...*

I told Noah i wasnt in the mood so I went to my house.

Im really angry, Avan is so inmature. I dont know whats wrong with him... Im trying to be nice with him, but is like he is trying to have me away fro him and he is doing a good job. He cant treat me like that. Im done with him.

I checked my phone, 19 messages, okay... what?. Is Avan. This is kind of funny... he is a paranoid. How can i be angry with him? Okay. whatever, ill call him.

*Stop sending me messages, is annoying*

*Im sorry... so much, for everything*

*Its okay*

*Can... can i see you?*

*Sure*

Okay... this is stupid, he treats me like a shit and then he wants to see him. He treats me like a shit and i accepted his invitation. This is not right. I went to his house.

*Now thinking... Im not really sure what im doing here...*

*Sh... You are already here* (I stared at him... He is so handsome, damn, is annoying)

*Whatever*

*Im sorry, i dont know what wrong with me those days, i never acted like that in my life, i swear, I have been really paranoid those days, i dont know why. Probably i was jealous and i acted like an stupid and im sorry so much*

*Jealous? Of Noah? Are you serious?*

*Thats not the point, I shouldnt be jealous...*

*Its okay (I was so close to him... and i wanted to kiss him so bad, but he even looked at me) ...Its okay, well, i guess i have to go...*

*Moulin rouge!*

*What?*

*Lets watch moulin rouge...*

*I love that movie...*

*I know (he smiled) please, stay*

I looked at him and smiled. *Just because i love that movie*

I felt awkwars for some minutes so I was playing with his dog 'Max'. Is really cute. Avan just laughed. I felt normal again. I stared at a photo for few seconds.

*Its an old one*

*Obviously* I smiled.

*I look handsome, dont I?*

*Whatever you say* (I laughed)

It was a photo of Avan when he was... i dont know 7? he was dressed like a cowboy.

*I like that photo*

*I like you*

He smiled so i did, but i was really blushing... Im dating with Jason. Fuck it.

*Lets watch a movie?*

*Sure...*

*Everythings okay?*

*Yes... I just feel i shouldnt be here*

He looked sad.

*Stay...* He whispered.

*Huh?*

*Nothing, go to your house, its okay*

*Just like that?*

*You want that, right?*

*You want that?*

*Just stay, please*

*Okay, but i dont want to watch a movie*

We were laying on the floor, just talking. Avan calms me down. I feel okay when im with him. Everything about him atracct me, everything. How he is, his voice, the way... everything. I like him so much, is that bad? I dont care.

i dont know how... but we were smoking.

*Im a bad influence for you*

I laughed *Not true at all

*You should hang out with better people, just saying*

*I dont know, i like to be with you... I feel, I feel alive*

*Im not a good person, Sam*

*What, what are you are talking about? you are perfect...*

He laughed *You are crazy*

*No, im not. (I looked at him) You are passionate interesting, smart, deep, everything about fascinates me, everything. You are different, you have something especial, is like you are full of emotions and just make wanna be with you even more... is addictive. You are perfect... at least to my eyes. And i swear, is the first time i say this to someone.

He looked at me *You are perfect*

*Im not*

*So me either... Im not good for you*

*Why?*

*Youll hate me*

*Just tell me*

*Okay... I think im alcoholic, im smoking all the time and im addicted to sex. Happy?*

*So what?*

*Are you serious, Sam?*

*What?*

*You are not scared? You are 16*

I laughed. *Why? Because you are alcoholic, is not that bad. And smoking... well, whatever.

*Im a bad influence for you, you hate smoking*

*Nah... and everybody love sex so whatever*

*You are virgin?*

*No...*

*& You dont will ask me if im virgin?* we laughed

*When you lost your virginity?*

*Wehn i was 14*

*Are you serious?*

*I was stupid when i was 14*

*And how it was?*

He laughed *Confused, what about you?*

*Confused... it wasnt that bad, but i was so young*

*Im sorry to heard that*

*Its okay*

*Seriously i dont scare you*

*No Avan, even a little bit*

He came closer to me...more and more close. He took my breath away. I wasnted to kiss him so bad... but im dating with Jason... whatever.

*Well... its late, i have to go*

*Okay...

Sam can you first can you promise me something?*

*Tell me*

*Looks like i cant control myself when im with you... See... If I try to 'make a move', flirt with you, kiss you or whatever. Stop me please.

*I cant promise anything...*

*Sam, im not kidding. If you want this friendship to work, promise me this or ww should stop hanging out* He looked really serious.

*Okay okay... i promise*

*Now smile* He smiled.

*Dont push me* He laughed.


	7. Chapter 7

I used to hang out everyday with Avan, well 'hang out' in his house. to watch a movie, to cook something or just to talk. We used to flirt... a lot honestly, but just that. I have to face it, i even think about Jason, I like Avan, i like him a lot. Is stupid how i feel for Avan. He makes me feel so good and this make me feel so bad. I dont need anything else when im with him.I really like him a lot, it annoy me and when i see Jason, makes me feel horrible.

*Everythings fine?*

*Yeah...*

*You have been acting weird those days*

*Bleh. Is nothing, Jason. I love you, okay?*

*Okay... i love you too* He looked confused, anyways he kissed him. Then i kissed him in the neck. He stopped me.

*Sorry*

*No, im sorry, i just...*

*Whats happening? I mean with you?*

*Because i kissed you?*

*Forget it*

Even when i kiss Jason, Avan is in my mind... whats wrong with me?

Jason went to work. I was alone and i wanted to see Avan so bad, i was so anxious for see him. I dont know what to do, i just... i cant see him or call him because if i heard his voice ill melt inside. I just... fuck.

Okay, i have to be strong. Okay. what time it is? 9 p.m. Okay is late, i have to sleep, well is not that late but whatever. Lets listen music, a calm song. (Radiohead - no surprises) okay, cool.

I fell sleep.

When i woke up (9:00 a.m) I checked my phone. 1 message. okay...

*Can i see you, please? - Avan* I use to see Avan everyday, is almost a rutine and yesterday i didnt see him so im serious, i feel like things in my stomatch, i will die, i dont know. Whatever i have to see him. Im being so ridicolous, i feel pain for myself, this is stupid...

I went to his house. He opened the door.

*Avan, ill explode*

*What?*

*Im fucking up eveything*

*No, Sam...*

*Im serious, i dont know, i dont know anything, im so scared and paranoid right now. I feel like things in my stomach, is sick. I will die* I was walking in circles around his house.

*Sam, calm down, okay, look at me, okay? look at me* I came closer to him and I looked at him.

*I like you so much, it scare me*

He just looked me for few seconds and then he hugged me *Its okay* he whispered.

*No is not, im dating Jason and i dont know i just fucking up everything. I even know what i feel is stupid and i dont know what to do*

He looked at me *Do you love him?*

*Yes*

*But just like a friend?*

*No... i just i dont know*

*If you are not sure, why you still dating with him?*

*Because you dont want to date with me* I said it sarcastly.

*Dont be stupid* He smiled.

*So lets try...*

*what?*

*I dont know... date?*

*I dont really think so*

*why not?!* I was really angry.

*Because you are dating Jason*

*You want me to break up with him?*

*thats not the point*

*Just tell me*

*If you want to break up with him, thats your problem. Is not my deal. I dont have why tell you what to do or not*

*Thats not what i was waiting for*

*what you was waiting?*

*I dont know, something like I really like you, break up with him and lets be together. The truth is that you are so fucking scared. You are a coward. I dont know, Avan, this is bullshit*

*I'm sorry...*

*Whatever*

*Sam, listen...*

*No, I dont want to listen anything, Im tired, about you, about everything. And im done. Im done trying something for someone who dont give a single fuck for me*

*Trying what, Sam?! trying what? You want to play this game? okay, fine. Lets talk about how you flirt with me while you are dating with Jason?*

*I... I dont flirt with you*

*Oh cmon!*

*Just stop messin with my feelings!*

*Im messing with your feelings? seriously? You are the one who is always flirting. You mess up my mind, I even know what are you thinking, you confuse me all the fucking time. You never say anything. You are just playing, Sam. All the time. And yeah, i like you, i fucking like you, so much, is killing me. And you cant break up with Jason because you are a fucking courage*

I never saw Avan this angry but i was so angry too.

My phone was ringing. I checked it.

*Is Jason...*

*Oh, Wonderful!*

I answered the call.

*Hi...*

*Hi, lisen to me, Jason. I cant date with you. I cant. I love you so much to still playing with you in this way. Any girl would be luck as fuck to date with you, but lets face it, I dont deserve you. Im a paranoid and i really really like someone else and i cant do this to you. If you don want to talk to me anymore, Ill understand. Im sorry. I love you, Jason, so much* I cut off. Avan just looked at me confused.

*Fuck* I whispered.

*I didnt ask you to do that...*

*I did it because i wanted to, because i needed to, because i had to but mainly because you said i couldnt...*

*You okay?*

*No...*

*Its okay, Sam* He said it while he hugged me.

*He dont will want to talk with me again. He will hate me all his life*

*Dont be silly, everything will be fine. You will see* He stopped hugging me and smiled.

*So... im single... again*

*Yes, you are* He smiled, he looked really happy,

*Yeah, now i can get drunk and high, kiss girls and have so much sex!*

He laughed *And maybe hang out with the boy you really really like*

*Maybe...*

*Maybe?*

*I think i have to move on. Im so young for him...*

*See, I prefer be your friend. I swear, if i hurt you or i see a drop in your face for my fault, ill never forgive myself*

*Dont worry for me*

*Too late*

*Avan, i have to go*

*No, please?*

*Im just not in the mood, is not your fault, see you tomorrow, okay?*

I went to Jason's house. I needed to talk with him. How i dare to break up with him by phone? Im so stupid.

He opened the door.

*Hi*

*Jason, see...*

*Hey, its fine* He looked angry.

*Oh... okay. I guess... I guess i have to go* I was about to turn back.

*Sam, why? I mean, what happened? what i did wrong? I just... i dont understad*

*Nothing, it... us, just dont work*

*It worked for me*

*I dont know...*

*You... you cheated on me?*

*No, Oh God, no*

*You said you like someone else*

*Yeah...*

*Who?*

*It doesnt matter*

*Avan?*

*Wha... what? Do you know him?*

*No*

*So?*

*Im just not stupid*

*I dont understand*

*I know you have been 'hanging out' with him but i though he was just your friend*

*He is just my friend*

*Sure...*

*How do you know?*

*I asked*

*I still confused*

*I went to your studio, i asked where was you and a girl told me you was with Avan and then she said, I think they are dating, i asked why? and she said they are together all the time and i was like okay, whatever. You even called me. I thought you was busy but no... whatever*

*Theres nothing between Avan and me. He even likes me...*

*Oh cmon, Sam. Who dont will fall in you you?*

I kissed him. *Lets start again*

*Sam, you are confused*

*No im not, i wanna be with you*

He kissed me in the check *Clean up your mind, Ill be here*


	8. Chapter 8

New day.

I went to Avan's house. He is free today and im free too, so I want to see him...

He opened the door.

*Hi there*

*Hi... Sam, im not in the mood*

*What happen?*

*I dont want to talk about it*

*Just tell me*

*Today wasnt the best day ever, just leave me alone*

*No, i dont want to leave you alone, can you just tell me, pleae?*

*Why you dont fucking understand? Leave me alone*

*Okay ill, just tell me if is my fault*

*No, Sam, is not your fault. Leave me alone* He looked really angry.

*Today wasnt the best day for me either but i dont act like that*

*You seriously annoy me*

*I was just trying to help, just because i fucking like you doesnt mean you can treat like that*

*Just fucking leave me alone*

I turned back *Goodbye* and I went to my house.

I was more confused than angry. He never acted like that. Maybe i did something wrong, but wait, i didnt do anything. I deny myslef to apolozy, whatever, he can fuck himself.

~ New day

Today i woke up really early. Actually i cant sleep. I will check my phone... nothing. Okay, its fine. I dont have anything to do. Whatever, its okay, i can survive. 1 day without Avan, is nohing. Im okay. I even think about him...

Is not my fault, i didnt do anything, he treated my like a shit so fuck it, i dont care. Ill listen music.

But i dont understand, why he acted like that? Oh fuck! this is stupd, i cant stop thinking about him.

Maybe i should call him and apolozy? but the hell? I didnt do anything. Okay, i dont will call him. I dont have anything better to do, this is so sad. I think i will call Noah or Bridgit but im not in the mood.

~ New day

8 days. 8 fucking days without know something about Avan. And im counting day, whats wrong with me? oh damn.

Okay, today i have to work. This is nice. I love my cast so its wonderful. I went to work.

Was a funny day.

Noah makes me laugh so much, just like Chris or Max. I cant believe someone pay me for have fun.

When we finished filming. I saw Avan, he was with Liz Gillies walking around. I think he looked at me or i dont know, im just a paranoid person. I was with Halston so whatever.

*Hey look, is Avan. HEY...*

*Shh... Halston, shut up*

*Why?*

*Just shut up, please*

*Okay, but whats wrong with Avan?*

*Nothing*

*So whats wrong with Liz*

*Nothing, Halston*

We went to a restaurant to talk

*So whats wrong with Liz?*

*Nothing, I worked with her years ago, she is really nice*

*What about Avan?*

*I dont know him*

*Oh cmon. I saw you talking with him in my party*

*He is nice*

She smiled *Oh, i see whats goin on there*

*what? what are you talking about?*

*You like him!*

*Wh... what? i just said he is nice*

*Oh cmon, your eyes are shinning*

*Dont be stupid. I just broke up with Jason. I dont move on yet, im hurted*

*You are such a liar*

*Im not lying...*

*So why you broke up with Jason?*

*I have my reasons...*

*Okay but tell me where have you been those days? Because i have been hearing things, Boscarino*

*Where i have been? with Jason...*

*Yeah? Because thats not what i heard*

*Dont bother me*

*Cmon, tell me, im your best friend*

*Fine... Avan is my friend, just that, we are hanging out like friends, just that, like friends*

*So why you dont wanted to see him?*

*We had a fight or something like that, i think*

*Why?*

*I dont know...*

*And... you like him, like in the 'good way'?*

I laughed *I think i have to go...*

*Sam!*

*so much...*

*I knew it!*

*Who cares?*

*Sweetheart... Anyways, im pretty sure he likes you back*

*No, he dont*

*Are you sure?*

*Yes, why?*

*Because he asked about you in my party* She smiled.

*You are just lying...*

*Well if you dont believe me i dont will tell you*

*Halston!*

*Okay, okay, let me remember...*

*Faster faster!*

*Dont push me!*

*Okay... im sorry*

*Fine. It was in my party, i was dancing with him and he looked distracted, and he said something about you... But i dont really remember*

*Halston!*

*Im sorry. I dont have a good memory*

*Remember!*

*Ow, you really like him*

*Halston!*

*Okay, dont be rude... He was distracted, you was dancing with Noah. I thought he was looking at Noah... Now everything make sense... he was looking at you. okay, whatever. He asked... he asked me... um, Oh! how old are you, i said 16 and asked him why, he told me he was just really curious about you*

*It doesnt mean he likes me*

*Yes, he likes you, i know. And you like him too. So stop being so proud and call him*

*I want to call him, i seriously want to. But what ill say? he just acted like that, so rude with me. I cant apologize for something that i dont know... I even know what happened*

*Okay, i dont know what happened, but go and tell him what you feel, ask him what happened, maybe he needs you*

*No, he dont. Things arent that easy. Thing arent easy with him and im done but Ill be fine*

*Seriously?*

*Yes*

*You better dont regret later*

*I hope so*


	9. Chapter 9

3 days, 3 days without Avan, this is not cool at all. Probably he even remember me and i dont will call him,. I dont care if he dont want to talk to me... i fucking care, yes i do... im beaing ridicolous and i feel pain for myself. I have been batching 'The Bachelor' all the day because i have no life.

*phone ringing* wonderful... I even wanna see who is... is a message, whatever. I dont will read it, probably is Noah bothering me, because he is so annoying. But if is my dad, i have to read it. Okay lets see it... Is Avan. Im so nervous, i want to puk, but i dont will because thats disgusting. Probably he will tell me he dont wanna be my friend anymore, because he is like that, so stupid. But fuck it... its fine. I cant breath.

*Im sorry so much, i acted like a douchebag. I dont know what happened to me. I shouldnt act like that and im sorry and im sorry for dont call you or talk to you before. I wanted talk to you yesterday, but you were with Halston and you just walked away... probably you even noticed me. Anyways, im sorry*

And i can breath again, I read the message like 45 times just to see if theres something hiden between his words... whats wrong with me?. I dont know what to answer. I thought in a lot of things to answer, but like im so deep and then of 80 minutes of analyze everything. I answered:

*Its okay*

1 minute later, he answered *Okay... thats good* I think he was confused, i dont blame him, i was too. I was really angry but lets face it, at this point im dying without him...

I didnt answered to him. Until the next day.

**next day**

*****okay*

*Okay... i guess*

*you okay?*

*Yeah... wanna hang out?*

Thanks God, FINALLY!

*If you want to...*

*You want to?*

*Yeah, okay*

*In my house... in your house?*

*In your house. See you in 2 hours?*

*Perfect*

Finally ill see him, Im so happy, is sick. I just wanna see him so bad, but i have to be calm first.

I need to be ready... okay. What ill dress? I dont know, whatever. I cant be there early, that would be weird. 2 hours... an eternity. Okay... ill go, 25 minutes later.

*Late. Boscarino*

*Really? Im sorry, i was busy*

*Its okay*

*Yeah...*

*Hey. im sorry, I have been acting like an idiot with you and...*

*Its okay, lets just dont talk about that*

*I never acted that inmature*

*Its okay*

*Is just that i had a fight with my friend and i was really angry and i acted like that...*

*Avan, its okay, i swear*

*Im sorry*

I laughed *okay*

We didnt talk about that again, I wasnt angry anymore... i cant. We were just talking in his sofa. We wanted to see movie.

*Oh! i know what movie we should watch. I like one of the cast... Alicia*

I smiled *Alicia? what movie?*

*The clique* He smiled.

*What? (i laughed) are you kidding me?*

*Yeah, i have the DVD. Im a big fan*

*We dont will watch that movie, Jogia*

*Yes, we will*

*Why you are doing this to me?*

*Because i want to see that movie*

*If we see that movie, i dont will talk to you again*

*So dont talk to me*

*Avan!*

We saw 'the clique'. Im in that movie. Im Alicia Rivera. I dont really like to see myself in the tv. Is weird. I think i closed my eyes all the movie. Avan was just laughing at me. The movie finished.

*I looked awful*

*I never laughed this much in my life*

*You are so mean*

*Im not mean, i love your character*

*Avan, check your eyes, was horrible*

*You are the most adorable thing ever*

*hush...*

We laughed, then i noticed he was so close to me and i was the only one laughing. He was playing with my hair and came closer. He was about to kiss me... and i dont have why stop him this time, but...

*I... I think, im hungry*

He smiled *sure*

I deny myslef to kiss him if we are not dating, sounds stupid, i know, but i dont will kiss him.

We were hanging out everyday, just like friends obviously. I think he tried to kiss me like 18 times and was really hard avoid him... I used to say random things, the last time i said 'henchman' to avoid him, he was really angry, was funny.

I love see him, he makes me so happy. He is my priority, i dont know how wrong is that but i dont need anybody else in my life, i dont.

*Can i go to your room?*

*what?*

*If i can go to your roon?*

*Why?*

*I dont know, im here everyday but i dont see your room yet*

*You are just weird*

*Oh cmon!*

*Okay* He smiled.

When we went to his room, i was amazed, is so beautiful. He is so clean to mess like him.

He locked up his room. I looked at him confused.

*Im just kidding* He laughed, but the door was locked up yet.

I looked his bed and looked so confortable. I looked at Avan *Can I...*

He laughed *Sure* I jumped to his bed.

*This is such a nice bed*

*I know right?*

We were laying in his bed. We were talking for hours. He even tried to touch me. We were smoking. I never felt this good. He is different, he thinks like me, he acts like me, he is like me and i dont know, i dont feel alone anymore. I used to complain because i used to think that the world is so fucked up and anybody understand but then i noticed that i was the one fucked up and i felt so alone and then this fucked up glorious head thing appeared in my life and i dont know, this is more that a crush, this is more than an 'i like you', maybe is love, maybe is not but i love it.

*Avan, yesterday i dreamed with you*

*what you dreamed?*

*I dont know, but you was jumping and your hair looked pretty nice*

He laughed *You are high, dont you?*

*Everytime im with you*

*He smiled *Maybe we should try...*

*You know... date*

**try?*

*yeah, to prove, but lets take it slowly*

*i dont wanna be with you like that*

*I though you would be happy with that*

*No, I dont... is just that you dont look sure about that. If you wanna date with me, come and tell, wanna be my girlfriend, so ill answer you*

*Im sorry, i dont wanted to mean that, is just...*

*Avan, its fine* I smiled.

*No, is not. Is like everytime i talk i just dissapoint you*

*Are you kidding? Everyday i just like you even more*

*Sam, i really like you too is just that...*

*You are not sure about your feelings*

*I have been talking about you with everybody and i never do that*

*What you said about me?*

*Horrible things* He laughed.

*Oh thanks*

*I'll go to Canada tomorrow*

*huh?*

*Is my mom's bday so ill go to see her*

*Oh nice... Ill buy he something later*

*You dont have to*

*Ill anyways* I smiled.

*I know* He laughed

*So... how much you will stay in Canada?*

*3 or 4...*

*Days?*

*Months*

*What?!*

He laughed *Weeks, darling*

*Oh... okay, i was getting worried*

*You cant live without me, dont you?*

*shut up*

*Ill try to call you, okay?*

*Okay... its fine*

*seriously?*

*Yeah... No! Avan what ill do with my life those 3 or 4 weeks?*

He laughed *Maybe hang out with Noah?*

*Jealous much?*

*Nah...*

*Stop lying, Jogia*

He laughed *I wanna kiss you so bad* he whispered

*Obviously*

He smiled and looked at me *wanna be my girlfriend?*

*I...*

*Please? I beg*

*Not now...*

*Why?*

*And why now?*

*Because ill go to Canada...*

*So what?*

*I dont know...*

*You think ill hang out with somebody else those weeks, dont you?*

*Honestly i do*

*Well, i will*

*Sam!*

*What? we are nothing*

*I see... Thats why im asking you*

*Avan, all those days i have been trying to get you out of my mind but i swear i cant. My heart race every fucking time im with you, is crazy. I dont know what i feel for you bacause i never felt like that before, is weird but i like it. At this point probably i will stay at home those weeks, watching tv waiting for your call, just to heard your voice. I really like you, it hurts*

He just looked at me *I would say that i like you but is more than that, i would try to kiss you but i know you will avoid me, i would ask you to be my girlfriend but i know you you will say no, but let me tell you something, someday you will be mine, i swear you will*

*Why you are so sure*

*Because darling, i always get what i want, not matter how impossible can be* He smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

Days are hard, harder without him.

Avan is in Vancouver, i wish see him... seriously, so bad. He dont will call the first week because well, he will be busy and i understand.

This week was weird. So he is not here and everybody is asking me for him, make no sense for me. It doesn't matter.

I went to work, when i finished i looked at Liz walking around, she was talking with Max. Liz is really beautiful and i have to admit, im jealous. I know her because we worked together in 'The clique'. She is so funny. We are not really close, but i adore her.

*Sam!*

*Gillies!*

*Oh God, just look at you, so gorgeous!*

*What about you? Such a hot stuff*

She laughed *So how have you been? I bet really good* She winked at me

*What do you mean?*

*Oh cmon!... You and Avan* Oh fuck...

I laughed *He is my friend*

*Yeah? Because he have been talking about you... A LOT*

*Oh... and what did he said?*

She smiled *Do you care?*

*Liz...*

She laughed *He told me Sam is so wonderful and i was like yeah, i know her*

I laughed *We are friends... just that*

*Avan really likes you, he told me but sh...*

*Can I ask you something? You dated with Avan?*

*No...*

*Dont lie*

*We dont*

*Elizabeth...*

*I swear, we never dated. I used to have a crush on him I have to admit, but well, he is a wonderful guy. That was long time ago, now im talking about Avan and you*

*I like him*

*He is so... addictive*

*Exactly*

We were talking for hours. Not just about Avan, about everything. Liz is pretty nice. Now is see why Avan talk about her all the time.

Those days, Matt & Victoria talked me too. Matt is really funny & Victoria is so nice. Avan talk about Victoria so much, he told me she is his priorety and I understand that. She is wonderful.

I have been waiting for Avan's call... Eveyday I sleep with my cp in my hand.

This week i saw Jason in a restaurant. I miss him. I don't talk to him since we broke up... I wanted to talk to him but probably he even want to see me. But I really really miss him... I cant believe i lost one of my dearest friend.

_2 week without Avan_

I dont talk with Avan yet, Im dying.

I visited my sister. She is living with his boyfriend... have been dating for 5 years.

*So Sam, you think you are in love?*

*I never said that*

*Well, I think you are*

*I don't think so... Im too young*

*Who the fuck said that you can't fall in love young?*

*My Literature's teacher...*

*Well, i think he can fuck himself*

I laughed *Why?*

*See, 'adults' think they know everything. They think you are like them when they were young. You are young but honestly is like you were 65. Don't be scared, love is not that bad*

I went to my house. I was more calm. It was late and i went to sleep.

**(3:45 a.m - phone ringing) what the hell?**

*What?!*

*How lovely, Sam*

*Thanks... ah... Avan?* It was his voice and i wasn't sleepy anymore.

*Nah...*

*Oh... Whatever, I dont want to talk to Avan because I dont miss him at allI*

He laughed *I can call you later if you want to*

*No, no... No, it's fine*

*Its late, im sorry. Everybody is sleeping and I cant sleep so I was like is perfect moment to call Sam*

*Ah... 3:46 a.m is always a perfect moment*

*Im sorry*

*Why? Its fine*

*If you say so*

*2 weeks more*

*I can't wait to see you*

*The same... Eveything is worst when you are not here*

*Don't say that, Sam*

*Im just being honest... I miss you so much and have been just 1 week, i dont know what to do. Im just dying here. Everything is just so fucked up when you are not with me* I wanted to cry, listen his voice made me weak.

*I miss you too... Fuck, You just made me feel horrible*

*Why?*

*Because you need me and I even called you but i doesnt mean I dont think about you, because you are my mind all the freaking time*

*Dont be sentimal now because I swear I about to cry... You will back in 2 weeks, just promise me I will be the first person you will call*

He laughed *I promise*

*Okay... And I will kiss you*

*And I will avoid it*

*So Ill try twice*

*You dont will need to do that, believe me*

We were talking until 8:30 a.m and i dont have anything to complain, even a little bit.

_Third week without Avan_

Is embarrasing how im counting days, dont judge me, he is worthless. Well, I still alive, almost a miracle.

I have been watcing tv, listening music, working, studying. Life's good. Anyways, I have such an important exam and I can fail. I dont go to school so i have exams 2 times at a year. So all this time i should be studying. But I dont. Avan distract me, but he is not here... If only I could get him out of my mind.


	11. Chapter 11

_22 days without Avan_

When I turned into this? Disgusting. Maybe he is already in L.A and he dont want to see me. Im a paranoid person or that's what Halston says to me. Whatever, Ill check my phone.** (1 message)**

*Guess who is in LAX airport? - Avan*_ (32 minutes ago)_

*Obama?*

*Yeah, Obama...*

*Im so jealous*

*Come to see me?*

*You are in LA?!*

*Sam...*

*Im going*

What can I say? I'm so happy. I'm not this happy since... well, since long time ago. I like this feeling. I'm jumping of happiness, literally.

Mom: Are you okay?

*Woah... what are you doing here?*

Mom: You don't want me around?

*No, no. I love see you around, I'm just asking* I love see Avan too...

Mom: Ok... you will hang out?

*Yeah*

Mom: With who?

*A friend...*

Mom: Jason?

*No...*

Mom: I don't see Jason around anymore, what happened? you okay?

*Mom, I'm fine*

Mom: Are you sure? see, when two...

*Mom, no! Please. I moved on long time ago, seriously*

Mom: Ok... Im glad. So with who you will hang out?

*Avan, is a friend, you dont know him*

Mom: A friend? you look so exciting...

*We are just friend, seriously*

Mom: Sure... (she said it sarcastly)

*Mom!*

Mom: Okay... go, but I should meet him one of those days.

I lauged and then I kissed her in the check *Sure, I'll tell him. See you later* she smiled.

When I went to Avan's house, he was yet out of his house with his baggage, I think he was looking his keys.

*Wanna help, Sir?*

*Yeah,thanks, actually...* He looked at me and smiled. I smiled too.

*So... How is Canada?*

*Shut up* He hugged me and obviously I hugged him back. I really missed him, so much.

*Oh God, Avan, you smell so good* He smells like... vanilla.

He laughed. I looked at him. Oh Avan, you don't know how attractive you are.

He looked at me too. He came closer and we kissed. My heart was racing so fast. I could die.

We enter to his house, he left his baggage in a corner. We went to his room, i even asked, i followed him. Probably he want to sleep and I feel bad because of this, I should let him alone.

We layed in his bed. I layed in his chest just like always, he looked so tired.

*sleep, it's okay*

I kissed him in the neck... and again and again. *That just will wake me up even more, you know that?*

I laughed and we cuddled. We were whispering lyrics and then we fell sleep.

When I woke up, Avan was sleeping yet. I checked my phone, '9:00 p.m' I guess I have to go, but i dont want Avan to wake up. Avan have his arm around my waist, I dont know what should I do, I dont know how to move... oh whatever.

*Sam...* He whispered

*No, this i a dream...*

He laughed *Seriously? like seriously?*

*It never work anyways*

He smiled *what time it is?*

*1:00 am*

*what?!*

I laughed *9:00 pm, love*

He smiled and kissed me in the forhead.

He checked his phone, I was checking my phone too. Then I looked at Avan, he looked angry.

*Calm me down?*

*what's wrong?*

*I have a friend and she is like complaining all the time, she is so inmature, she thinks I have to fix her life. She is crying all the time and she is like 'nobody love me'. She just remember me when she needs help, I try to be nice because she is weak but im tired. She don't do anything to make the things better. She is just complaning, it annoy me*

*Don't pay attention, persons like that around the world all the time, just tell her everything will be okay*

*No, I'm not a liar. I told her what I think*

*And what she said?*

*Better shot me* He looked so angry.

*Hey...you said what you think and she should respect that. She can't go around the world like a failure. She should understand that she is wrong and you should be glad because you had the courage of tell her the truth because i bet nobody of ''her friends'' couldnt. If she want to complain, let her be, someday she will understand that be weak is not right those days. Is horrible. You just gave her the first step and you did it good*

He looked at me some seconds and smiled *I would say that I love you*

*... I love you*

*But is stronger than that* we kissed again, If my heart still racing like that... i just, I dont know.

*I have to go, It's late*

*Is not that late... can I ask you something?*

*Ask*

*We... we are dating?*

*What kind of question is that?*

*Looks like not a good one...*

*We are not*

*Well... we are almost dating*

I laughed *You dont ask me to date yet*

*Yes, I did... twice*

*Yeah? I don't remember*

*Do you want to be my girlfriend?*

*I don't know...*

*Want me to beg you? because at this point, I will*

I laughed *I want to see you try*

*you should be kidding me...*

*I want effort, darling*

*A show maybe?*

I laughed *why not?! 1D just for me, so I will marry Zayn Malik...*

*Okay, a show no...*

I laughed *Right... My mom want to meet you*

*Seriously?*

*Yeah*

*You should be talking a lot about me*

I laughed so hard *nah...*

He rolled his eyes and then laughed *I would love it but I don't know where you live...*

*Okay, later I will text you my adress and see you tomorrow in the morning?*

*Will be a pleasure* he smiled.

So tomorrow Avan will meet my mom, I don't know what to wait... what i did?


	12. Chapter 12

Avan will come to my house today, I feel kind of nervous but it's okay. I have to clean the house and yeah... that.

My dad is in NY, so Avan just will meet my mom, thanks God.

-doorbell ringing- Oh damn, he is here. I opened the door.

*Good morning* I smiled.

*God morning* He smiled too and came closer to kiss me

Mom: Good morning, guys. (I laughed, Avan was laughing too, he looked calm.)

*Good Morning, ma'am*

*Good morning, mom* I said while i was laughing yet.

Mom: Calm down, Sam.

*I'm sorry, mom. Is just... you are fantastic*

Mom: Sure...

*Oh I'm sorry, Mom, he is Avan, Avan he is my mom*

Mom: So nice to meet you, Avan

*Nice to meet you too* He smiled

Mom: Well guys, I have to go. Was a pleasure. (She kissed me in the neck and whispered 'he is handsome')

*Mom!*She laughed

Mom: See you later. (opened the door) Nice hair, Avan, by the way! (and closed the door)

*Thanks you!*

*Oh God...* Avan laughed.

*She is adorable, Sam*

*Yeah, she is*

*Is a beautigul house*

*Um... It's okay* He came closer to kiss me but...

*I think...*

*Are you serious? we are backing to the same?*

*We are not dating, Avan*

*Because you don't want...*

*Maybe*

*You are so complicated*

*I am?*

*Yeah, I barely understand you*

*That's a bad thing?*

*I don't know, but everyday I like you even more so I guess not* I wanted to smiled but he looked so angry

*Sometimes I feel like you think Im just playing...*

*I do*

*I don't, Avan. Not with you*

*And what's going on your mind?*

*I ask myself the same everyday (He just looked at me and smiled) Sometimes I feel like I scare you...*

*You don't scare me, Sam. Scare me how I feel when I'm with you*

*Is a bad feeling?*

*I don't know, but is stronger than me*

*I feel the same, i think*

*And you are scared?*

*A lot*

*But we don't have why, you don't have why, I will take care of you*

*Avan, listen...*

*No Sam, I'm tired, I don't want to play games anymore. I know you want me to ''try'', but I don't know how and It doesnt mean I dont like you because honestly Im in love with you, Im fucking in love with you, I cant get you out of my mind. I cant, I tried, seriously I tried, but I cant. And now I'm swallowing my pride and begging you. I have been never this desesperate for someone in my life, I even...

(Avan talked and talked. I don't really remember what he said, I just looked at him and he looked angry. Made me feel so bad. I felt numb and literally, I was to pass out)

Are you even listen to me? (I felt so bad and I couldn't even talk) Sam, are you okay? (My heart was racing so faster, and I was breathing more and more faster) Sam!* I think he yelled, i was so confused.

*Go away!*

*Calm down*

*Go away!*

*Sam, look at me, just look at me (I looked at him) calm down, Im here, its fine, everything is okay, Im here*

*Avan...* I whispered.

*Sh... Its okay* He hugged me. The last think I remember is that he carried me and I fell sleep, I guess.

I woke up. Avan is not here anymore, was a dream, maybe. I listened a noise, I think is from the living room... I looked it, but nothing. I went to the kitchen.

*Good afternoon* Avan smiled. Is wasnt a dream, ovbiously. Thanks God.

*You still here...*

*Yeah... Im hungry*

*Cooking pasta?*

*He laughed *Salad fruit*

We went to my room to eat the salad fruit. Because he thinks my room is more calm to me, he thinks im a kid. We sitted down in my bed.

*Thanks* I smiled.

*Its okay, I love salad fruit*

*For take care of me*

*Oh... Its ok, i was worried for you*

*You don't have to be worried for me*

*I feel... I feel like I have to protect you*

*I don't know why I acted like that... I dont know what happened*

*It happened to me too when I was kid*

*Is bad?*

*Well, is a crisis, a nervous one. It happen when you are afraid or because of depresion*

*It never happened to me since I was 8, my sister was so sick and she could die, I was totally scared*

*I feel like it was my fault, I was yelling at you and I shouldnt act like that. Im sorry so much*

*It wasn't your fault*

When fe finished eating the salad. I left the dish in a desk next to my bed, We layed in my bed. We cuddled.

*You are so beautiful* He whispered to me. He was just whispering a lot of things to me and I was just melting inside. Then again, I felt so bad.

*You okay?* He asked.

*I used to be strong but you made me weak* I whispered.

He looked at me *I'll protect you, I don't will go anywhere, anywhere*

I looked at him and I kissed him, deeper and deeper.

*I would love to be your girlfriend*

He looked at me so serious *But?*

*But nothing* I smiled. He smiled too.

He looked happy, I was too. We kissed agin.

*What time it is?* I asked.

*7:58, why?*

*Because of my mom, she don't will like see you laying in my bed with me*

*Tha make sense for me* I laughed

We heard how someone parked a car.

*My mom!*

*Fuck!*

I laughed. We made the bed and turned on the tv. We sitted down on the floor. My mom opened the door.

Mom: Hi Sa... guys. Avan you still here*

*Goodnight* Avan smiled.

*Yeah, we have been watching tv*

Mom: Watching nickelodeon kids?

I looked at the tv, why Avan? why you turned the tv on Nickelodeon kids...

*Is a good channel actually...*

He laughed *Is late, I have to go*

I accompanied him to the door. He came closer to me to kiss me...

Mom: Good night, Avan.

I laughed *Good night, ma'am, was a pleasure.*

He kissed me in the check *See you tomorrow* He whispered. I closed the door.

Mom: So, waht's going on there?

*Nothing*

Mom: Samantha, I have been looking you those days, I never in my life saw you this happy since you were kid. I have been worried for you, you always... so powerful, too strong to be too young. All the time is like anybody is enough for you and is like that. You never showed feeling and now you almost look... weak*

*I love him, mom. I really do*

*Love is a strong word*

*I know*

*See...*

*Mom, I don't want to talk about this now, Im tired*

*I see. Take care, love is not a game* She kissed me in the check.

*Goodnight*

*Goodnight*

*I love you*

*I love you too*

I went to my room, laying in my bed. Avan was here just some minutes ago. I can barely remember it, was like I was alucinating all this time... and now, im dating with him.

What I did? I dont want a relationship. His presence makes me feel horrible, our relationship will destroy me. Everything is so faster and Im scared, I cant do this,

I dont know what im doing. I hate him, I need him, I love him.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm so sad to write another chapter.

Maybe someday I will finish this fanfiction but for now I can't.


End file.
